"What is it God? Okay, hold on a second; I'm blogging"

On the topic of nicknames…

My human has developed several nicknames that he uses to address me. They are largely puerile in nature and he delivers them in this child-like voice that I only hear when he speaks to me… and to the dog. I find this correlation most disturbing.

Let’s begin with my “full name”: Fortuna Diabla del Poto del Maize. This translates into “Fortuna the little she-devil with a butt of corn”. Originally, the ending of my name was “del cristal”. Both references don’t actually have anything to do with my anatomy. Rather, they refer to the material that my human puts into the box where I “do my business”. It used to be these blue crystals and now it is ground-up corn husks. Since “my business” is just that, I am going to discontinue this line of narrative and move on to less personal nicknames. After all, you never know who is reading about you on the internet.

The next three nicknames all revolve around one of my main tools of communication (after meowing, purring, and blogging that is): my expressive, constantly swishing tail. These names are, in order of use, Ms. Sassy Pants (ridiculous as I do not wear pants), Ms. Swishy Butt (equally absurd as it is my tail, and not my butt, which “swishes”), and Sasparilla (what the hell does this even mean? I am neither a soda additive nor a medicinal tonic).

Finally, we come to the two most jejune of all the nicknames. These are naturally the ones that also elicit the most inane and childish voices from my human: Cutie, Cutie Kitten and The Cutest Kitten in the Whole, Wide World. Both of these statements are the epitome of  the obvious so why even feel the need to say them?

In the end, I understand that my human is drawn to praise and coddle me for I am exceptional. For his sake and the sake of all others in my presence, let me say that you may address me simply as Fortuna: Benevolent, Enlightened Queen of the Cosmos.

Read the complete ruminations of Fortuna here.

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